Tips for Divorcing a Narcissist

Divorcing a narcissist can be tricky and many times very complicated.  Individuals displaying narcissistic personality traits may have an inflated belief in their self-importance, often need constant admiration and reinforcement from others, do not handle criticism or rejection well, and have an overall sense of entitlement. If you live with a narcissist, you already know this, and these traits may well be some of the reasons why you are seeking a divorce.

The belief will be that you are the one that has the problem, not the narcissist, making you feel as if all the issues in the marriage are all about you. If you indicate any level of dissatisfaction in your marriage, the narcissist feels rejected. This is why marriage counseling is so tricky when narcissists, particularly undiagnosed ones, refuse to recognize their problems.

When it comes to divorce, having a successful divorce without feeling you have given in to your entire spouse’s demands needs to be carefully thought out and planned. There are several essential tips to consider and discuss with your lawyer when planning to dissolve the marriage. 

First, resist the urge to be bullied.  A narcissist will want to and often try to take control of the situation and keep you from seeking the advice of others. For example, you may be told even before filing a petition for dissolution of the marriage or before retaining and discussing the matter with a lawyer that if this matter can be resolved now, they are willing to “give you” certain things in the divorce. They will also threaten that if you insist on seeing a lawyer and not accepting the proposal, they will not be willing to be “so generous.” The problem with such an approach is that you have no idea whether the “offer” is good or bad. You need to avoid a confrontation that could cost you thousands of dollars in the long run from what you legally may receive.

In such cases, avoid confrontation and outright rejection of the proposal. Instead, listen to the proposal, thank them for the offer, but advise that you would feel more comfortable consulting with your legal counsel and getting back to them. Keep the approach direct, and avoid escalation. Making a rash decision because of fear that the “law” may not be as “generous” as your soon-to-be ex-spouse is rarely a good approach.

Next, setting up healthy boundaries is vitally important. While setting healthy boundaries in any relationship is essential, it is even more critical when divorcing a narcissist. During a divorce, the narcissist will often attempt to start conversations with you (whether by text, email, phone, or in-person) about the issues in the divorce in an attempt to justify their position and force a resolution that may not be in your best interest. Set limits in terms of the issues to be discussed (i.e., only issues related to medical emergencies or exchange times for the children), method of communication (i.e., only by email or text), and time (only when the children are in bed, or after work). By setting boundaries early in the process, you will proceed in a less stressful manner.

Be mindful of how to conduct settlement negotiations. Many divorces involving a narcissist end up going to trial. The reason is that trying to resolve issues of alimony and property division with a narcissist, even when the law appears clear, is difficult. The law may not necessarily support the narcissist’s position, but that does not keep them from believing they are right. This is partially true because they are generally charismatic, outgoing, and successful in their business dealings. Accordingly, it is hard for them to believe that judges would rule against them. Until a judge renders a ruling that has to be followed, it is unlikely the persuasive reasoning outside the courtroom will be successful. However, there are ways to negotiate a settlement with a narcissist successfully. Consider the following:

• Be realistic in what you want and what is important to you, and make those items the focal point of your negotiation.

• Listen to your spouse without being judgmental or pushing back.

• Reinforce the positive behavior of your spouse during the negotiations.

• Avoid criticizing their behavior.

• Do not take anything personally.

• Make the ultimate settlement something that they believe was their idea.

Narcissists will generally never accept your final offer. Accordingly, you often have to ask for more things you may be willing to let go of to obtain a fair, reasonable settlement and avoid the need to go to Court.

Having an attorney with the resources and knowledge to give you the best representation is vital to your interest and the interest of your family.  You also want to make sure they will exhaust all avenues and be willing to research, pursue and implement strategies to provide the best possible outcome.

Rob McAngus, Partner with Verner Brumley Parker, P.C., is Board Certified in family Law and his practice is devoted primarily to family law, including high conflict divorce, custody cases, and complex property issues. In addition to being selected on the Board of Directors for the Family Law Section of the Dallas Bar Association; he values your priorities as a parent and works with you to achieve the goals that will help transition your family to a new normal.  As both an adopted child and a member of a blended family, Rob can provide a unique perspective in the practice of family law.

Rob has been recognized in Super Lawyers as a Rising Star in 2016 through 2021, and recently The National Advocates recognized Rob as one of the Top 40 Under 40.  He can be reached by calling 214.526.5234 or email at rmcangus@vernerbrumley.com.  Mr. McAngus received his bachelor’s degree cum laude and master’s degree from Baylor University and graduated cum laude from the Dedman School of Law at Southern Methodist University.