You Married a Narcissist…Now What?

Entering in a marriage can be and usually is a joyous occasion.  However, sometimes the person we think we want to spend the rest of our lives with, completely changes before the ink is dry.  All too often we hear stories about a spouse staying in an abusive relationship because they feel the problems are their fault.  Families are torn apart and not just those who live in the house.  Hindsight always provides the answers, but those that experience the abuse cannot always see the destruction that the abuse is causing to them and others.  It is important to seek outside intervention to help process what is going on.  If you have a spouse who is committing the abuse, a medical professional would be ideal to help diagnose as to why and potentially offer them a way to change before things get worse.

A relationship with a narcissist involves a toxic cycle of emotional abuse and destruction. It is not uncommon for a victim to be entirely unaware of the negative toll a narcissist takes on their mental health and self-esteem until the damage is already done. Traits of a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are as follows:

·         Hypersensitivity to Criticism: With a narcissist, you will always be the problem.  While a narcissist is quick to point out flaws in their partner, they are incapable of self-reflection on their own inappropriate behaviors. This characteristic goes beyond an inflated ego; rather, a narcissist won’t engage in self-betterment because they truly believe there is nothing they need to change about themselves. Beware of finding yourself trapped in this vicious cycle of blame and deflection.

·         Lack of Empathy: Empathy is the ability to understand and process how others are feeling. Most individuals experience empathy naturally and intuitively. Narcissists, on the other hand, generally lack the ability to offer understanding and relate to the emotions of others. This often manifests itself in the likelihood that a narcissist will not feel guilt or show remorse for their own upsetting actions.

·         Manipulation and Charm: Narcissists are experts at doing and saying things for the sole purpose of furthering their own selfish agendas. The onset of a relationship with a narcissist may feel “too good to be true” as the narcissist will display all the qualities of a perfect and attentive mate. Typically, once a narcissist has achieved their goal, they quickly become bored and disinterested in their partner’s life. A person with NPD may display personality changes without warning and even go to lengths such as emotional blackmail to pursue their self-serving interests.

·         Inflated Sense of Importance: Narcissists often work under a grandiose feeling of self-importance. This characteristic might manifest itself in a variety of ways, including a sense of self-entitlement (“the laws don’t apply to me”), a belief that others are envious of their “successes,” and a preoccupation with fantasies such as genius, idyllic beauty, or unlimited success. This characteristic is markedly distinguishable from an individual who is self-confident or vain. In reality, the narcissist has deep-seeded insecurities necessitating the need for excessive praise and compliments.

·         Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a hallmark trait of NDP and a very common tool used by narcissists to distort another’s sense of self. Gaslighting causes a partner to second-guess themselves, absorb blame where none exists, and lose their identity altogether. This method of gaining superiority may come in the form of truth spinning, brainwashing, and false accusations. The gaslighting tactic, if successful, results in the victim questioning their own sanity and reality.

If you believe your partner is a narcissist, it is important to invest in personal healing with a behavioral health professional to process the abuse and understand the warning signs of NPD before it is too late.  They often give the perception of being well-adjusted and can be highly covert.  A person who has been in an intimate relationship with a narcissist have shown signs of anxiety, depression, feelings of worthlessness and even post-traumatic stress syndrome.  You do not deserve to be treated this way, and if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, get out as quick as you can without looking back.

Having an attorney with the resources and knowledge to give you the best representation is vital to your interest and the interest of your family.  You also want to make sure they will exhaust all avenues and be willing to research, pursue and implement strategies to provide the best possible outcome.

Rob McAngus, Partner with Verner Brumley Parker, P.C., is Board Certified in family Law and his practice is devoted primarily to family law, including high conflict divorce, custody cases, and complex property issues. In addition to being selected on the Board of Directors for the Family Law Section of the Dallas Bar Association; he values your priorities as a parent and works with you to achieve the goals that will help transition your family to a new normal.  As both an adopted child and a member of a blended family, Rob can provide a unique perspective in the practice of family law.

Rob has been recognized in Super Lawyers as a Rising Star in 2016 through 2020, and recently The National Advocates recognized Rob as one of the Top 40 Under 40.  He can be reached by calling 214.526.5234 or email at rmcangus@vernerbrumley.com.  Mr. McAngus received his bachelor’s degree cum laude and master’s degree from Baylor University and graduated cum laude from the Dedman School of Law at Southern Methodist University.