Negative Effects when your Partner is Gaslighting You

If you think about the worst boss you have ever had in your career, you would probably describe someone who loved to tell everyone how great they are.  They usually would minimize the job you did and often would guilt you into doing much more than what your job required you to do without extra compensation.  You would dread going to the office, yet you always tried to seek their approval sometimes doing their job for them.  If you were lucky enough to remove yourself from that situation, you looked back on that experience with disgust and embarrassment that you allowed yourself to be used.  This was a form of Gaslighting and although the term was coined from a 1938 play “Gas Light”; we are seeing the description used in today’s culture.

Unfortunately, many relationships and even marriages are unhealthy because one of the partners are Gaslighting the other.  Gaslighting in a relationship occurs when one partner uses manipulation tactics to undermine the self-perception of the other by regularly dismissing their feelings as untrue, crazy, ridiculous or unworthy. Eventually, when repeated enough, the victim accepts these false realities as the truth, which can have a long-term impact on one’s emotional, psychological and even physical well-being.  This type of toxic relationship can have severe, even deadly consequences for the family.

Gaslighting is a common behavior among narcissists, or those with narcissistic personality disorder. According to Healthline, these people tend to believe they are more important than others, lack empathy and don’t have the time (or interest) in helping others unless it benefits them. In other cases, the person who is Gaslighting doesn’t even know it. It could merely be a bad habit picked up from relationships they were raised around.

The main goal of Gaslighting is to belittle the victim to the point where there is an uneven power dynamic within the relationship.  If you partner never takes responsibility for any of the wrongs they have done or does not validate your concerns; you might be on the receiving end of Gaslighting.  Often, you will leave an argument unsure of how the topic changed or even what happened.  Their goal is to try to confuse you.  This will lead you to doubting your own thoughts and regularly trusting their words.  Thus, their Gaslighting tactics have begun to take effect.

As the relationship continues you will become more quiet and timid even apologizing or silencing yourself during a confrontation.  You will think everything is your fault when things go wrong.  Your partner will state that you are being crazy or have some sort of problem.  Ultimately you will no longer feel like the person you used to be and often question whether you are being too sensitive when feeling hurt by your partner.  They will project their issues onto you and accuse you have having that problem.  Before you know it, you will lack self-esteem and even distance yourself from friends and family.

Repairing the damage caused by Gaslighting is far from easy. Before either of you begin to recover, you have to recognize that as Gaslighting is affecting the entire relationship, both people must be willing to change the dynamic.

It is important that you write down what you want to discuss with your partner and be sure to focus on the reality and feelings of what is going on.  If your partner will not recognize what their behavior is doing, then it will be important to seek therapy for your marriage.  Sometimes the marriage will need to be dissolved which there is a good chance you are going to be hard on yourself since that is what you have been trained to be.  It will be important to reconnect with yourself as you have been living with somebody else’s reality for too long.  Surround yourself with people who make you feel good, eventually, their vibes will rub off on you, erasing all of your past partner’s lies.

When it comes to actually dissolving the marriage; having an attorney with the resources and knowledge to give you the best representation is vital to your interest and the interest of your family.  You also want to make sure they will exhaust all avenues and be willing to research, pursue and implement strategies to provide the best possible outcome.

Rob McAngus, Partner with Verner Brumley Parker, P.C., is Board Certified in family Law and his practice is devoted primarily to family law, including high conflict divorce, custody cases, and complex property issues. In addition to being selected on the Board of Directors for the Family Law Section of the Dallas Bar Association; he values your priorities as a parent and works with you to achieve the goals that will help transition your family to a new normal.  As both an adopted child and a member of a blended family, Rob can provide a unique perspective in the practice of family law.

Rob has been recognized in Super Lawyers as a Rising Star in 2016 through 2020, and recently The National Advocates recognized Rob as one of the Top 40 Under 40.  He can be reached by calling 214.526.5234 or email at rmcangus@vernerbrumley.com.  Mr. McAngus received his bachelor’s degree cum laude and master’s degree from Baylor University and graduated cum laude from the Dedman School of Law at Southern Methodist University.