Protecting Child’s Emotional State during a Divorce

Our world seemed to be turned up-side-down when the country was divided into “Essential” and “Non-Essential” workers.  Even those that were able to continue to work had their normal daily routines completely changed.  This has caused frustrations and unrest within families.  Add the emotional state of parents in a divorce and you have a recipe that could end in disaster. 

Many people understand the difficult decisions and tough times the divorce process can bring. Problems after divorce, however, are often given less consideration.  A common quandary with post-divorce parents is how to handle a sad child during drop off with the other parent. Often times, one parent will attribute the sadness to perceived deficiencies in the other parent’s parenting abilities.

When a child is too young to articulate the reasons for the sadness, or in some cases the outright refusal to want to go with the other parent, multiple warning signs should not be ignored or taken lightly. However, the parenting switch-off sadness is also common among many children of divorced parents where there are no such issues.  Experts warn that certain troubling behavior in children at the time of the exchange can be a sign of parenting difficulties, or even abuse.

The source of a child’s sadness actually comes from behavior of the parent dropping the child off, rather than any actions of the parent receiving the child. That’s right. The parent dropping off the sad child may actually be causing the sadness at issue.  Many people report their pets, such as dogs, instinctively know when they are unhappy, tense or angry. The pet in some manner senses the emotion and may emulate it or react to it. This is because many pets know their owners so well.

Children are also an excellent barometric gauge of their parents. They are constantly observing their parents and absorbing information from them. For example, it is common for a one or two year old toddler, who does not even understand what a phone is, to insist on holding their parent’s phone and pushing buttons on it. Why does the child do this? It has nothing to do with the function of the phone whatsoever. A toddler will not know how to make phone calls or type in an Internet address. But the child does watch the parent, see the parent on the phone regularly, and wants to emulate the parent.

Even an infant sometimes will burst into tears when their parent becomes upset, even if they are not capable of understanding words. Why is this? The infant already has developed a significant emotional bond with the parent and the infant literally knows already how to “read” basic emotions emanating from their parent.

Children constantly observe their parents and sense their emotions. They learn to understand not only direct but subtle signs of anger, stress, anxiety, and fear as well as positive emotions such as happiness and love from each of their parents.  A divorced parent may experience sadness, anger, fear, resentment, a combination of those emotions or many other negative feelings when the parent is forced to deliver their child to the other parent. This can be particularly true if the relationship between the divorced parents is a negative one. The emotions of the parent delivering the child, therefore, may be critical in affecting the way the child feels about going to see their other parent.

In most cases, the child wants to love both parents. And it is a parent’s job to let the child feel free to do so. This means it is very important for the parent delivering the child to create a sense of normality, safety and even positivity about the parenting exchange. This is particularly true if there are hard feelings between the involved parents.  How a parent acts during exchanges is crucial to the child’s emotional well-being. That parent will by their own demeanor and actions either create a stress-free and positive transfer situation or a stressful and unhappy situation for the child.

Understanding and controlling one’s emotions in the presence of the child and around the parenting exchange. In addition, creating a positive event around the changeover can turn a negative experience into a positive one for the child. These simple steps may turn what for a child is a difficult and scary situation into one which is eagerly anticipated and one which the child, when they become an adult one day, will thank you for.

The divorce process is difficult enough as it is.  Children will make navigating the complexity of divorce crucial to child development.  Having an attorney with the resources and knowledge to give you the best representation is vital to your interest and the interest of your family.  You also want to make sure they will exhaust all avenues and be willing to research, pursue and implement strategies to provide the best possible outcome.

Rob McAngus, Partner with Verner Brumley Parker, P.C., is Board Certified in family Law and his practice is devoted primarily to family law, including high conflict divorce, custody cases, and complex property issues. In addition to being selected on the Board of Directors for the Family Law Section of the Dallas Bar Association; he values your priorities as a parent and works with you to achieve the goals that will help transition your family to a new normal.  As both an adopted child and a member of a blended family, Rob can provide a unique perspective in the practice of family law.

Rob has been recognized in Super Lawyers as a Rising Star in 2016 through 2020, and recently The National Advocates recognized Rob as one of the Top 40 Under 40.  He can be reached by calling 214.526.5234 or email at rmcangus@vernerbrumley.com.  Mr. McAngus received his bachelor’s degree cum laude and master’s degree from Baylor University and graduated cum laude from the Dedman School of Law at Southern Methodist University.