Tips for Moving on After a Divorce

 After you finalize a divorce, it is important to remember that there is no “one size fits all” approach to your self-healing. Every person is different, and they will recover differently. With that in mind, here are a few tips that are worth considering as you begin your journey toward a new life.

Prioritize Your Self-Care

This is a vulnerable time for you and it is vital that you take good care of yourself. Self-care comes in many forms, but it always means that you honor your mental, physical, and emotional needs. Focus on yourself by ensuring that you eat a nutritious diet, get plenty of exercise, adhere to a good sleep schedule, and engage in any hobbies that you are passionate about.

Remember What You Are Grateful For

It may feel as though everything around you is falling apart – which is why you must take care to remember the blessings you do have in your life. Research shows that focusing on your gratitude can have a profound impact on your overall happiness, self-esteem, and sense of compassion toward others.

Rediscover What Makes You Happy

Your life before marriage may have looked very different. It is natural for people to sacrifice some of their identities to meld better with their partner, and this is usually not done intentionally. However, this may leave you feeling discombobulated following a divorce.

Now is the perfect time for your self-discovery. Find what makes you feel happy and alive. Perhaps there are some hobbies you enjoyed before your marriage that you no longer engage in. Picking up interests from your single life before marriage can greatly help you move forward.

Avoid Numbing Behaviors

It is common to deal with stress by drinking, using drugs, overeating, or compulsively shopping. One of every six American adults binge drinks multiple times each month. Some of these habits may not inherently indicate a severe problem, but they should never be your only coping skills. Numbing your emotions is a temporary fix and do not take your pain away, rather they prolong it. While it is difficult to face your uncomfortable feelings, doing so will be one of the best gifts you can give yourself.

Set Communication Boundaries with Your Ex

Divorce will trigger messy feelings and continued conversations with your former spouse can exacerbate your stress. That is why it is important to consider how, when, and what you choose to communicate to your ex. There are no right-or-wrong answers. If you have children, you will inevitably need to communicate and co-parent with your former spouse. Still, it is rarely helpful to maintain a friendship in the immediate aftermath of a divorce. Set boundaries that allow you to fully process your emotions and allow yourself to heal.

Be Kind to Yourself

While it may sound cliché, it is important to provide compassion to yourself following a divorce. You need to be loving, forgiving, and patient with yourself. Practice internal kindness by engaging in positive affirmations each day, reducing toxic people or behaviors in your life, setting healthy boundaries, and reaching out for support when you need it.

Remember that self-compassion is not a destination, it is a journey that you take each day. Embarking on this journey will make you stronger, more in control of your emotions, and able to handle adversity.

Working with an experienced attorney can help guide you through the process of a divorce.

Rob McAngus, Partner with Verner Brumley Parker, P.C., is Board Certified in family Law and his practice is devoted primarily to family law, including high conflict divorce, custody cases, and complex property issues. In addition to being selected on the Board of Directors for the Family Law Section of the Dallas Bar Association; he values your priorities as a parent and works with you to achieve the goals that will help transition your family to a new normal.  As both an adopted child and a member of a blended family, Rob can provide a unique perspective in the practice of family law.

Rob has been recognized in Super Lawyers as a Rising Star in 2016 through 2021, and recently The National Advocates recognized Rob as one of the Top 40 Under 40.  He can be reached by calling 214.526.5234 or email at rmcangus@vernerbrumley.com.  Mr. McAngus received his bachelor’s degree cum laude and master’s degree from Baylor University and graduated cum laude from the Dedman School of Law at Southern Methodist University.

Items Often Overlooked in Divorce

 When it comes to a divorce, it is not solely up to a judge to make all the decisions. A crucial part of any divorce is working with an attorney to help develop an agreement between you and your spouse. This helps you keep some amount of control of the result.

Even still, you should remain vigilant about some critical issues that are commonly overlooked when couples are in the negotiating phase of an agreement. Avoiding these mistakes can save you money and prevent unnecessary stress. A skilled divorce lawyer will know to address these issues, but the better prepared you are before beginning any legal process will only serve your emotional and financial interests in the future.

Overlooked Assets

Sometimes, one spouse may legitimately forget about assets that are not immediately obvious to them and fail to disclose these assets in the divorce process. Old retirement accounts, frequent flyer miles, experimental investments such as purchases of cryptocurrency, as well as intellectual property can easily be overlooked and left out of the final agreement dividing these potentially valuable assets. But it may be that a party-spouse takes deliberate steps to hide, omit or divert attention and access to such assets. Discovery – the formal legal exercise of obtaining records about assets and liabilities, among other things, from the other party – is often necessary so that a thorough investigation of your property can be conducted. Remember to provide your attorney with any information relating to safety deposit boxes, vacation properties/timeshares, credit card rewards points, and any intellectual or creative property you may have.

Debts

Assets (“positives”) are not the only thing being divided in a divorce. Debts (“negatives”) must be accounted for as well. People commonly overlook assets, but it is even easier to overlook outstanding debts because people do not enjoy thinking about them or even admitting they have debt. If you are contemplating a divorce, you should pull a current copy of your credit report as well as any statements reflecting debts to which you have access so that your attorney has a clear picture of the debts associated with your name and strategize a plan on how to allocate these debts before the divorce is finalized.  

Taxes

No one is a fan of the I.R.S. and they are a common enemy for both spouses during a divorce. The parties should each get ahead of this issue by consulting with an accountant or financial planner (or both) of that party’s individual choice to determine the best way to minimize their tax liability, both pre- and post-divorce. It is also important to consider the after-tax value of investments when dividing them. Finally, don’t forget to address the allocation of tax refunds (or liabilities), child tax credits/dependency exemptions, as well as carry-forward losses if such tax assets are applicable to your marital estate and case.

Inflation

Inflation can also play a factor in the division of assets in divorce. The value of certain financial assets, offset by certain expenses, should take inflation into account, to the extent this element is quantifiable. For example, one spouse agreeing to cover the cost of college for a child should be aware that said costs are capable of doubling in less than 15 years due to inflation.

There are many considerations and pitfalls you will want to avoid during and after a divorce. Working with an experienced attorney will ensure that commonly overlooked items are addressed so that you may begin your post-divorce life in the best position possible.

Rob McAngus, Partner with Verner Brumley Parker, P.C., is Board Certified in family Law and his practice is devoted primarily to family law, including high conflict divorce, custody cases, and complex property issues. In addition to being selected on the Board of Directors for the Family Law Section of the Dallas Bar Association; he values your priorities as a parent and works with you to achieve the goals that will help transition your family to a new normal.  As both an adopted child and a member of a blended family, Rob can provide a unique perspective in the practice of family law.

Rob has been recognized in Super Lawyers as a Rising Star in 2016 through 2021, and recently The National Advocates recognized Rob as one of the Top 40 Under 40.  He can be reached by calling 214.526.5234 or email at rmcangus@vernerbrumley.com.  Mr. McAngus received his bachelor’s degree cum laude and master’s degree from Baylor University and graduated cum laude from the Dedman School of Law at Southern Methodist University.

Avoiding the Unhealthy ‘Divorce Diet’

 Many of us are happy to suddenly shed some pounds after the holidays, but unexpected weight-loss can have devastating effects on your overall health. Especially during a divorce, most infamously known as the “Divorce Diet.” While you may welcome a few less pounds, these losses are usually the result of too much stress and brought on by skipping meals or poor nutrition during a difficult time.

Many people going through a divorce say they feel so stressed out that they do not have a desire to eat or often simply forget to sit down for routine meals. The taste of food may make them gag and the idea of cooking a healthy meal can feel overwhelming. This involuntary starvation only adds to your stress levels and impairs your ability to concentrate and make the best decisions. Good decision-making ability during a divorce is more important than ever as you want to begin your new life as a single person or single parent on the best foot possible. Here are some healthy ways to cope with this added stress and ensure that you do not fall into the ‘Divorce Diet’ trap.

Do Not Neglect Medical and/or Psychological Care

If you normally have doctor or therapy appointments, it is important that you make time to keep them. The stress of a divorce can cause any person to neglect their usual self-care routines. Insomnia is often a side-effect of divorce and combining that with a decreased appetite may cause depression. Your medical or mental-health professional can help ensure that your body is functioning properly, and the path ahead will feel much more manageable when you are operating efficiently.

Eat Frequent, Small Meals

If the thought of food makes you feel nauseous or stressed, it is understandable to skip meals. Instead, you should opt to take in smaller meals more frequently throughout the day. Smaller meals are less daunting to prepare and will ensure your body is receiving the sustenance it needs. Stock your kitchen with healthy items such as nuts, cheese sticks, hummus, yogurt, and vegetables that are easy to snack on. Try to eat something every few hours, even if you don’t feel hungry. Simple grab-and-go foods are easy to digest and keep your mind and body sharp.

Ensure Your Coping in Healthy Ways

Divorce brings a lot of challenging feelings and a wide range of emotions. While there is nothing wrong with spending the occasional night at home binge-watching your favorite show, but routinely seeking solace in isolation can inhibit your ability to stay on task with your family and work obligations. Also, avoid spending hours on social media and find constructive ways to engage emotionally. Developing new hobbies or exercising routinely can help boost your endorphins naturally while also sending signals to your body when it is time to eat.

Do Not Allow the Divorce to Deplete Your Energy

Any weight you lose from meal skipping will most likely reappear, and often be accompanied by even more unwanted pounds once the stress of this life transition has passed. When you visit the grocery store be sure to grab some nutritious snacks such as fresh fruit or even pre-packaged protein bars so that you have a healthy supply of food on hand at all times. Eating consistently and properly will be a huge help as you navigate the stress of divorce, but it will provide the energy you need to manage it.

Rob McAngus, Partner with Verner Brumley Parker, P.C., is Board Certified in family Law and his practice is devoted primarily to family law, including high conflict divorce, custody cases, and complex property issues. In addition to being selected on the Board of Directors for the Family Law Section of the Dallas Bar Association; he values your priorities as a parent and works with you to achieve the goals that will help transition your family to a new normal.  As both an adopted child and a member of a blended family, Rob can provide a unique perspective in the practice of family law.

Rob has been recognized in Super Lawyers as a Rising Star in 2016 through 2021, and recently The National Advocates recognized Rob as one of the Top 40 Under 40.  He can be reached by calling 214.526.5234 or email at rmcangus@vernerbrumley.com.  Mr. McAngus received his bachelor’s degree cum laude and master’s degree from Baylor University and graduated cum laude from the Dedman School of Law at Southern Methodist University.

Avoid Feeling Stuck Post-Divorce

 Often, people struggle with feelings of guilt or shame after a divorce. There are several commonly believed myths that may make you feel as though you’re not worthy of asking for and seeking the life you want. Here are a few tips to help you bust through some common myths.

Myth #1: Asking for What You Want is Selfish

Many of us are taught from an early age that wanting something for ourselves equates to selfishness. This “emotional conditioning” can present in adulthood as well, especially if you are going through or have recently been through a divorce. This feeling is especially common among women who have gone because they are raised to believe that being a wife and/or a mother requires complete selflessness. But it is not selfish to ask for what you want. Believe it or not, it is healthy and critical to your post-divorce recovery to take care of yourself first! Focus on activities that bring you joy, and intentionally set some time each week to commit to them, such as quality time with friends, your kids, or engaging in a new hobby.

Myth #2: It’s Too Hard to Move Forward

To the contrary, the world is yours for the taking after divorce. Your actions will help shape what your life looks like, in the present and in the future. Reflect on those times when you may have been scared or anxious. Perhaps you took more classes in college than you initially believed yourself capable, or perhaps juggling the ever-present “work-life” balance left you feeling like you were not enough?  Then, shift your focus to all the times you triumphed, as well as all the times you seemingly failed & what you learned from those experiences. Consider writing down these life events or moments in a journal and be truthful with yourself about the feelings you were experiencing in those moments. Recalling life’s triumphs and failures will help you reconnect with the confidence that is within you!  Remember that you have prevailed in the past and you can do so again. This exercise takes work, practice, and consistency, but it is worth doing for YOU so that you can embrace and envision the life you truly want.

Myth #3: You Do Not Deserve a New Life

People are constantly bombarded with ideas that they should be grateful for what they have without aspiring for more. This message can be damaging to your self-esteem during and after a divorce as you navigate many negative emotions. You should never feel bad for asking for more in your life and it is okay to invest in yourself, treat yourself, and take care of yourself. Do not neglect your desires or mental health as you begin your new life. Taking time for yourself now is going to help you in the future, as well as those who are closest to and care for you.

If you are struggling to reclaim joy in life, please consider seeking professional mental health interventions.  Take the time you need to grieve the end of your marriage but remember that the “myths of divorce” you have been told do not have to rule your life as you get to know yourself again.

Rob McAngus, Partner with Verner Brumley Parker, P.C., is Board Certified in family Law and his practice is devoted primarily to family law, including high conflict divorce, custody cases, and complex property issues. In addition to being selected on the Board of Directors for the Family Law Section of the Dallas Bar Association; he values your priorities as a parent and works with you to achieve the goals that will help transition your family to a new normal.  As both an adopted child and a member of a blended family, Rob can provide a unique perspective in the practice of family law.

Rob has been recognized in Super Lawyers as a Rising Star in 2016 through 2021, and recently The National Advocates recognized Rob as one of the Top 40 Under 40.  He can be reached by calling 214.526.5234 or email at rmcangus@vernerbrumley.com.  Mr. McAngus received his bachelor’s degree cum laude and master’s degree from Baylor University and graduated cum laude from the Dedman School of Law at Southern Methodist University.

The Rights of Fathers in Texas Divorce Cases

 Sadly, many times when a Father is facing a divorce they often assume the worst and takes on a very negative outlook of the road ahead. If you are preparing for a divorce as a father you should be aware of your rights and do not assume that your relationship with your children is going to be permanently harmed or that you do not have a chance to win primary custody. Understanding your rights and changing your outlook can have a positive impact on your mental health and even the outcome of your case.

As a dad, it is natural to be concerned for your children and spend most of your time looking out for their wellbeing both at home and away. One of the most important aspects of your life preparing for a divorce is doing your best to remain amicable with your spouse and working together to find the best co-parenting solution. Keep in mind your house will no longer feel like a home and some times it is best for you to separate, however, you should not do so prior to reaching an agreement on how time will be split with your children. Ideally, you will be able to reach a 50/50 agreement without needing temporary orders from the court. This is not always achievable, especially if the divorce is a contested divorce. Whether you decide to remain in your marital home or not, it is not likely a good idea to attempt to hide the divorce from the kids. They will almost certainly detect that something is wrong between you and your partner and kids have difficulty understanding these complex situations and can internalize negative feelings and emotions. Instead, you should have a sit-down with your children to best prepare them for the road ahead and ensure their needs, questions, and thoughts are carefully heard and considered.

Many well-intentioned fathers ask this question of our attorneys frequently. The assumption in a divorce case is that women and mothers always are named primary conservators. This is not the case. Fathers are fully able to win primary custody of their children. You will be happy to learn that there is nothing in the Texas family code that gives an advantage to women over men in this regard.

However, what does provide mothers an advantage in this situation is that they more frequently take on the role of primary conservator before the divorce. Again, think about which parent out of you and your spouse takes care of the children more. Bear in mind that just because you are the parent who works outside the home it is not the most frequent caregiver does not make you a bad parent. This is the parenting role that you have taken on alongside your spouse in raising your kids. Hopefully, it has worked out for the two of you to this point.

Understanding that there is no inherent advantage to being a mother in a divorce should give you reason for optimism. Many fathers assume the worst as they head into a divorce scenario. Many of these assumptions are unfounded and not based on reality. Sometimes we even hear stories from friends or coworkers that are not true, or are distorted versions of the truth. Do not let yourself get discouraged by second hand stories, your attorney will work with you to get the best outcome for yourself and most importantly, provide counsel on how to best look after the needs of any children involved.

Having an attorney with the resources and knowledge to give you the best representation is vital to your interest and the interest of your family.  You also want to make sure they will exhaust all avenues and be willing to research, pursue and implement strategies to provide the best possible outcome.

Rob McAngus, Partner with Verner Brumley Parker, P.C., is Board Certified in family Law and his practice is devoted primarily to family law, including high conflict divorce, custody cases, and complex property issues. In addition to being selected on the Board of Directors for the Family Law Section of the Dallas Bar Association; he values your priorities as a parent and works with you to achieve the goals that will help transition your family to a new normal.  As both an adopted child and a member of a blended family, Rob can provide a unique perspective in the practice of family law.

Rob has been recognized in Super Lawyers as a Rising Star in 2016 through 2021, and recently The National Advocates recognized Rob as one of the Top 40 Under 40.  He can be reached by calling 214.526.5234 or email at rmcangus@vernerbrumley.com.  Mr. McAngus received his bachelor’s degree cum laude and master’s degree from Baylor University and graduated cum laude from the Dedman School of Law at Southern Methodist University.

Guiding Young Children Through Divorce Discussions

 Divorce can stir intense emotions, often leading to hurtful remarks and heightened anger towards the other spouse. This emotional turmoil becomes especially challenging for parents with young children, particularly during initial discussions about divorce, custody exchanges, or when children inquire about the changes in their family dynamics. They might wonder:

Why are mom and dad arguing?

Why aren't they living together anymore?

Why do they only see one parent occasionally?

For parents undergoing divorce, it's crucial to thoughtfully approach conversations about the divorce with their children. This includes how to respond to their inquiries and how to behave during custody exchanges. Oversharing, negative comments about the other parent, or obvious anger can detrimentally impact a child's emotional and mental well-being, potentially causing long-term issues. Such behavior can also negatively affect your legal standing in court, especially regarding custody and parenting plans.

 

Young children, particularly preschoolers, rely heavily on their parents and have a limited grasp of causality and future events. Their world is self-centric, often blurring the lines between reality and fantasy. While they may recognize their own and others' emotions, discussing these feelings is often beyond their capability. Elementary school-aged children might have a slightly better understanding and ability to express their feelings, but complex situations like divorce remain challenging for them to fully comprehend.

 

Managing Your Emotions

 

Your children are also navigating a whirlwind of emotions as they witness arguments or the impending separation of their parents. They may experience sadness, anger, and confusion. Maintaining a calm demeanor and tone helps them process their feelings without the added burden of your emotional state.

 

Timing Matters

 

When discussing divorce with young children, timing is key. Opt for a moment when you can devote time to supporting them emotionally and answering their questions, like a weekend. Avoid significant days such as holidays or birthdays, and times when they might be tired or distracted, like before school or bedtime. If possible, both parents should be present for this conversation. If not feasible, consider involving a counselor or mediator to help plan a family discussion.

 

Clear, Age-Appropriate Explanations

 

Your explanation of divorce should be simple, clear, and age-appropriate. Avoid delving into complex details, as young children may misinterpret these as their fault or a problem they can solve. Explain calmly that living arrangements will change, but the love for them remains unchanged. Ensure they understand their safety and security, and how their daily life will be affected, like school and activities.

 

Refrain from Blaming or Disparaging Your Spouse

 

It's important not to blame your spouse or discuss adult issues with young children. This places them in an uncomfortable position and can hinder their social and emotional development. Focus on using inclusive language like "we" and avoid assigning blame.

 

Listening and Validating Your Children

 

Divorce fundamentally alters your children's lives. Listen and validate their emotions, reassuring them that it's normal to feel upset or confused.

 

Addressing Their Concerns

 

Children might worry about being abandoned or "divorced" themselves. Reassure them of your unchanging love and care, regardless of the marital situation.

 

Avoid Inappropriate Discussions

 

Improper conversations about divorce or your spouse can significantly impact your children's well-being and your legal standing in court. Texas family law judges prioritize children's welfare in divorce proceedings. Inappropriate discussions could suggest to the judge that your parenting time should be limited to protect the child's mental health. It's advisable to consult with a divorce attorney or mental health professional when planning these critical conversations.

The Importance of Written Communication in Co-Parenting Arrangements

 Navigating co-parenting in Texas can be a complex path laden with emotional intricacies and critical decisions reverberating through the lives of parents and children. Amidst these challenges, the cornerstone of a successful co-parenting arrangement is often the caliber of communication between parents. Effective communication is not just beneficial; in Texas, it is central to upholding the children's best interests. This discussion underscores the value of documented communication in co-parenting and highlights resources such as Our Family Wizard and Talking Parents, which can enhance and simplify the process.

Documented Communication: A Keystone in Texas Co-Parenting

In Texas, the family law system places a premium on clear and documented communication for several reasons:

Certainty and Responsibility: Written communication provides a clear record that reduces ambiguity, ensuring parents understand and adhere to their co-parenting agreements.

 

Legal Documentation: Texas courts recognize written records as crucial evidence. Should disagreements escalate to legal proceedings, documented exchanges can be pivotal in demonstrating compliance and intent.

 

Emotional Equilibrium: By focusing on written communication, parents can circumvent the emotional volatility often associated with verbal exchanges, fostering a more stable co-parenting environment.

 

Logistical Ease: The modern pace of life demands flexibility. Written communication via text or co-parenting apps allows parents to stay connected without synchronous meetings or calls.

 

Friendly Co-Parenting Apps: Our Family Wizard and Talking Parents

In the digital age, parents can use co-parenting applications like Our Family Wizard and Talking Parents to streamline their interactions. While these apps are not the only solutions available, they are widely recognized and recommended for their comprehensive features designed to support co-parenting efforts, including:

 

Coordinated Calendars: These apps provide shared calendars to track custody schedules and important events, minimizing misunderstandings and ensuring both parents are in sync.

 

Expense Logging: Co-parenting involves shared financial responsibilities. With expense tracking features, these apps facilitate an equitable and transparent approach to managing child-related expenses.

 

Secure Messaging: A secure platform for communication that is time-stamped and admissible in court can prove invaluable, particularly in the context of Texas family law proceedings.

 

Centralized Documentation: The ability to store and access critical documents like court orders and medical records in one secure place is a feature that can save time and prevent conflict.

 

Access for Professionals: In some cases, family law attorneys, mediators, or counselors may need to be involved in the co-parenting process. These apps can provide necessary access to facilitate professional guidance and support. It is also possible to provide access to the Court in some very rare instances.

 

Embracing Written Communication in Co-Parenting

In Texas, the primary focus in any family law matter is the well-being of the children. A robust co-parenting arrangement facilitated by documented communication ensures that both parents are aligned in their commitment to their children's best interests. With tools such as Our Family Wizard and Talking Parents, co-parents can manage their responsibilities with greater ease and accountability.

Drawing from extensive experience in family law, I have seen the transformative effect of structured and documented communication on co-parenting relationships. If you are traversing the complexities of co-parenting, I encourage you to explore using co-parenting apps to enhance the clarity and effectiveness of your communication. Remember, in the landscape of family law, clear and consistent dialogue between co-parents is paramount to fostering a nurturing environment for your children.